Written by Scarlet

Edited by Emerald Liu

You never believed in God, or anything at all for that matter
You were never religious, and you worshipped none besides the people you loved
Still, I believed in God because of you
You’ve been a gift only a man who made the stars could have brought to me

But maybe God isn’t a man at all
I’ve found that if you look, God can be found in the music made for the hurt and hiding
In the dancing through thunderstorms where sweat, tears, and rainwater are indistinguishable.
And in the cracks of sunlight between the branches of dead maple trees
and in the old men hunched over fences on street corners with yellowing, rolled-up magazines
tucked beneath their arms
God is in all of the things taken for granted until the lateness of the hour demands your attention

I think of the shame I should feel for having cared for you so deeply
but when I search for it, all I manage to find is gladness that I was born a woman
For if I were born a man I could not have understood you so fully
Or loved you so well
That must be God too, I thank him for it

They say your life flashes before your eyes before you die
Every moment I’ve spent with you replays in a never ending highlight reel
of all the things that existed between us and all the things that could’ve been but never were
And as of now you’re still mine to love and confide in and laugh with and hold
but inevitably I’ll lose you one day

We talk of all the things we want to do before we get old instead of saying “I love you”
I wonder if I’ll come to regret never saying what I meant
always coming close but never quite finding the words
Drunk on exhaustion with an abandoned movie playing in the background
I tell you I’d die without you
And you say it back
What we have is too much to lose isn’t it?

I don’t think we ever really miss people
What we miss is that pocket of time when they really belonged to us

And maybe that’s why even when I’m with you I still ache for something
Because every waking moment I spend in anticipation
Of the day it all might end

These days I waste our remaining time together
watching the second hand on the clock making infinite rounds towards the end
And when we part it will be painful because of how much I’ve come to depend on you
Because the more I’ve come to know you
The less sure I am I was ever a person before our meeting

Illustration by Vivi Hashiguchi
Instagram: @vivihashiguchi

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