to mom

Written by Alma Mark-Fong

Edited by Emerald Liu

When I was young I was scared to death of lightning

And firetrucks

And spiders

And the dark

When I was afraid you held me and covered my eyes

I was scared when I fell off a ladder and the wind was knocked out of my chest

You held me then too

But now that I’m older I fear other things

You asked me today if your voice sounded old

And I told you not old but older

You pulled at your skin and graying roots and sighed

It made me wonder when you had suddenly matured

Why hadn’t I noticed until now?

I’m scared that when you die I’ll be torn from the inside out

My lungs and my beating heart will be ripped out of my chest 

Because who am I if not your daughter?

If you leave me, who will hold me then?

And this fear is not because of how much I love you

or because I’ll miss you 

It is simply because there is no me without you

So tell me, if you and I are so mixed up together that I can’t tell where I end and you begin, if you die what will happen to me? 

It would be strange to walk an earth without you on it

One day all the times we fought

Will replay in my mind

I will regret every moment I didn’t hug you a little tighter

or tell you that I loved you 

Because the older I get the more I understand you

And the more I see you in my reflection